meditation

i haven't posted in awhile, but i HAVE been thinking a lot lately. a lot. it seems like life is all about decisions. every day decisions that may not affect anybody but ourselves, but also huge life changing decisions that can affect our families and friends, and even people we don't know and future generations. to me, that's a lot of responsibility. how do you go about making decisions like that?

i have also been feeling the need to study lately, almost like a hungering for more knowledge. i want to learn, i want to go back to school, i want to read about anything and everything i get my hands on.

what it comes down to is that i am trying to figure out what the next step in life should be, and i want to make it a good one. something that challenges me, but not to the breaking point. something that will let me feel like i'm contributing and doing my part, not just existing from day to day.

i've been reading a book the my mom gave me awhile back, called "a twenty-something's guide to spirituality- questions you hesitate to ask, answers you rarely hear." there are two sections in particular that hit home to me. one about lds women and education, and one about diverging roads. these haven't necessarily answered all my questions, but they have at least given me comfort to know that i'm not the only one who struggles with these things. anyway, here is a question that is asked in this book that i can really, really relate to. i'm going to quote it, but it sounds exactly like something that i have asked before.

"Sometimes I find myself growing dizzy from my own indecisiveness. Each road has different people to meet and different experiences to be had; these things shape who I ultimately will become. I find myself becoming unduly anxious to make the right choice between two great options; of course, what I really want to do is the Lord's will. Sometimes it seems the importance of the question has little correlation with the clarity of His answer.

The decisions between two goods are hard, and I have constantly inquired of the Lord for guidance. With some decisions, however, there have been no 'bolts of lightening.' With these decisions I have tried to be guided by the peace that I felt. Sometimes I have simply had to start down one of the possible paths, hoping for the best. This has not always proven successful, resulting in self-doubt and fear with respect to later decision-making efforts.

Why does the Lord give stronger answers to some questions than others? Are there circumstances when the Lord really doesn't care what I choose to do? How much does He leave up to me? What is the Lord's role in my agency?"
there is a response to this question by Virginia H. Pearce, which i am currently reading and meditating upon. which leads to the reason for the video... this is meditation from thais by jules massenet, my absolute favorite violin piece of all time. i have done a ton of meditating to it, and it still continues to inspire me. i have a goal of learning to play it before i die...